Your face is a jimmy john
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
