I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
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Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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