WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
