I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I FOUND THE LEGS
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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