you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
