remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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