Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
