just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
