went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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