nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
