you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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