Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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