She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
