I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize