her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
