Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
