some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
vagina is talking i cant
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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