Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
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He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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