I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
pop tarts are not kleenex
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You took a bar mat shot.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
