Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
