tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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