I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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