i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
