he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
