My liver just broke up with me...
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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