I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
