my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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