I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
