i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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