You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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