In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
