I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Well I just put wine in my tea
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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