I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
