sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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