Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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