So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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