I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I am one with the molecules
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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