omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
