i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
