I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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