Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
