Will you blow on my dice?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
