I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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