Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
