I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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