Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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