You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
