She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
