Pappa wants mamma naked
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
