This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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