how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Shame - the story of my life.
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