it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm too high and old for this...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
