Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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