Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
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I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
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That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?