Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.