Even the bartender felt bad for me
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
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What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
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No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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