Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
