i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
