You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
